A Really Rough Day

Today was a really hard day. One that I wish I could say I handled a whole lot better than I did. I woke up with a little anticipation and a whole lot of excitement. Kurt and I have been trying to get pregnant for 16months now. I know that its really not lot long compared to others we know, but for each couple going through it it seems like an eternity of trying. I found out I was pregnant with Emilee 6 months after we were married, there was no trying, no timing, no scheduling, and no work. It just happened. So, of course we figured the next one would be just as easy. I couldn't have been more wrong. We've both been tested in about every area possible and nothing is medically wrong with either of us. To put it in my doctors words, "There is really no explanation for why you are not getting pregnant." But, of course there is...It's not the right time. This is probably on of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn. How to accept the Lord's will and have the faith that he know me better than I know myself and that he knows when we'll be blessed with another baby. I've struggled with this for a while. The first 15months every time my period came I broke down in tears, Kurt wouldn't want to come home from work and I would make some rash decision...(like the dog I bought) Each time Kurt would try to help me through it, but each month became harder and harder to bare. Last month was a breaking point. I started questioning everything. I was pretty low, and then my husband asked me if I had Faith. I said yes I have the faith that I'll get pregnant so why am I not getting pregnant? He just looked at me with compassion and said "No, do you have the faith that no matter what happens, pregnancy or no pregnancy, we'll be ok?" I thought about it for a long time, and decided that the way I was handling this trial was not healthy. So, for the last 4weeks I have been preparing myself and realizing that I really am happy. That I have so many blessings already and that if my period comes I'll be fine and I'll keep trying until I get another little one. It was a really good month..Until about a week ago. My cycle is 28-30 days like clock work. This month I was 7 days late, and I thought for sure I was pregnant. I took a test when I was 3days late and it said negative, so I thought "ok, I'm not pregnant and that's fine", and I really was fine. Then, my period never came so I called my doctor who said I could come have a blood test done. They told me my HCG levels might not be high enough to be dected by an HPT, and that I very well could be pregnant. Yesterday I went in with my hopes high. This morning they called to let me know I was not pregnant and my period came 3hours later. Lets just say this time I was not so fine, I called to Kurt let him know and then cried for a few hours. The kids I watch kept asking, "You sad?" and Emi would respond, "Just leave her alone she needs to cry for a minute." So even though I know that everything will be fine, and that this is the plan that the Lord has for me...it was still a really rough day.